Attacked

The nightmares are worse then ever, attitude swings, not caring about lyrics to music, not being bothered by what I put in my head, feeling worn out, torn down, and exhausted.  I haven't gone to youth group in two weeks, I have had issues keeping up on my Bible reading, although my heart is begging me to soak up all the Jesus I can get my hands on, something always distracts me.   64 days till Mexico, my heart aches, my arms ache, I need to be with those kids, I need to be where I only have what I need.  Right now, I need to be anywhere but here, I wasn't made for this.  I was made to live where I had very little, I was made for a place where everyone is genuinely thankful, for everything that own.  Where I can give my love to these kids, and know they soak it up, and don't take it for granted.

I need to be in a place where I see God in everything.  Every child's face, every plate of food, every sunset, every sunrise, I need to be there.

It always gets bad, when I have a date and know when I will be back to that place.  When I can physically count down the days, hours, minutes, till that is reality.   It's the time when my heart aches the most, and I feel the weakest.  It's the time when my mind and heart are remembering how alive, apparent God's present was.  But here, in the states...It's so lost.  There is so much going on, so much to focus on, so many other things, that Gods presence has become muffled to me.  I know He is there, but with everything going on, with out being directly in his heart....I've forgotten what it feels like.   I miss being on fire for Him, I miss loving on His kids, I miss it.  I've gotten to this part of this post, and have broken down in tears.   My heart, it hurts, it aches, for many reasons other then just missing sweet faces.   The devil has gotten a foot hold in my heart, he has torn me down in many more ways then just one.   When I get back from these trips I feel so lost, I have no clue what I should focus on, look forward to, or even try to be.  Then eventually...I slip into the ways of the world, I listen to what I shouldn't I get consumed in tv shows that I shouldn't, I become physically and mentally exhausted, I don't want to do anything but be lazy.  I get bored with what I have so I go search for more.  But the more that I find only satisfies me for so long, the movies, tv shows, music, people, electronics, it only helps for so long.  Nothing but Jesus, can fill this void, this whole, this longing in my heart.    I know He's the only thing that will help this, but it feels so far away, too high to reach, like I have fallen to far.  

I've let the devil in, I've let him take control of somethings...my music, choice, my time consumption, my focus.  It's all on wordly things.  I feel like my head is spinning, one minute I'm all for God, saving the world, happy focused.  The next second, I'm sad, angry, wasting valuable time, watching things I shouldn't,  listening to music that isn't going to send my mind anywhere but in a whirlwind of emotions, that I don't need to worry about.  

As I sit here typing this, I hear God saying "Let go"  I hear Him saying "I've got you, turn to me."  I feel Him again, I feel His arms around me, I physically feel it.  He is here, He wants my heart, He wants to change this.   He wants me back.  He wants to fill this longing, this void, He wants this to end.   Because He cares for me.  He loves me.  He wants me back.  I am more then the devil has made me feel, I am more then the music, and movies, and tv shows.  My heart is bigger then this, and God wants it back.  He wants to use it, if I will let Him in.  I will let Him in, I will give it all to Him, He will wipe the tears from my cheeks, and say "It's okay, I never left you."

I feel whole again.  He fought the fight that I couldn't, He won the battle that I would have lost on my own.   Spiritual warfare is a dangerous, and terrifying thing, if you give the devil even one tiny foot hold, he slips in, silently, unnoticed, unwanted.   It's tough, turning back to God only because your mind holds so tighly to the ways of the world and doesn't want to release it grasp.  But your heart, it wants so badly to turn back to what it knows it true.  It's a struggle between right and wrong, it's a battle that I never want to fight again, although I know I will have to.  But I will never be alone.  Ever.