Outside Of My Box

I'm excited and I've grown.

I'm learning. I'm being stretched.

My joy has returned. I no longer feel stuck.

I have direction. I have a goal.

I have committed to return to Wylie, TX in June 2017 and I am thrilled.

But also terrified. Which is okay.  A few weeks ago I actually had a friend ask me two questions that she felt were not her own but from The Lord:

"Are you afraid that He is going to take you somewhere and bring you back home again?"

Yes.

"Do you trust Him?"

When she asked me this I actually hesitated.  The answer out of my mouth was "yes" but for a second I wrestled with my heart "Do I really trust Him? Wholeheartedly?".

Over the past 11 weeks since I returned from Texas so many heart struggles have been brought to light.  From God consistently pursuing my heart with the same question "Who do you say that I am? What do you believe I am capable of? Why do you put me in a box?  I am a limitless God I have such big plans for you. Let me work. Move out of your own way. You're missing out." to my best friend ministering to my heart all the way from Paris, France.  I feel like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, I think my heart has grown three sizes.  He has revealed that I do keep Him in a box, there are sides of Him that I've almost refused to experience and grow in because they aren't familiar to me.  I like to stick with what I know, and what's comfortable.  But I'm learning more and more that comfortable isn't exactly the way that God wants our lives to be orchestrated.

I would love it if God's first concern for me was to be comfortable, but we know that He has greater things in mind.  While typing this the story of Daniel and The Lions Den comes to mind.  Daniel chose to obey and follow God even when it wasn't convenient and most certainly not comfortable.  Can you imagine the faith and trust Daniel had to have to be in that den with beasts that could devour him in swift pounce? Having faith and trust in God doesn't promise that we wont be put in tough situations, it just promises that in those situations God will be there too.  Comfortable equals stunted growth.

I only wish that I could be as brave as Daniel.  When it comes to big decisions, such as choosing to return to Wylie, I am more relate able to the disciples during the storm on the sea (Matthew 8:23-27).  Winds were raging and waves were crashing against the the boat, they were being tossed in every direction and they woke Jesus saying "Lord save us! we're perishing".  They were terrified and by there words when they woke Him it shows that they doubted what He is capable of.  You'd think being on a boat with Jesus you'd feel nearly indestructible...cause ya know...He rose from the dead. But they doubt and I can see where we could ask if they truly trusted Him.  Jesus got up and said "Oh ye of little faith." and rebuked the winds. The storm ceased. Everything was calm.  Because He is in control. Big decisions cause me to have major anxiety and I overthink to the point of being paralyzed choosing to do nothing. Even now, 6 months away from the start of school in Wylie, I lay in bed at night panicked and overwhelmed with the thought of it all.  Yes, doubt is natural, it's human, it's the response I think most people would have. But I'm forced to stop, to breathe, and to remind myself that God who made the lions docile, who calmed the seas, who raised His son from the dead, is in control of my destiny and there is not a single thing that I can do that would remove His will from taking place in my life.

People have asked "Why would you go back if He called you home?"

Because, I feel that He called me home because He knew I wasn't ready to grow.  He knew I would fight it, He knew I would cling to my stubbornness, He knew that my life was stagnant and that He needed to wreck my heart before I would finally listen.  I was heartbroken when I came home, I was stuck, I was sad, I mourned the loss of my dream to go to Wylie's Fall DTS, I didn't understand.  I doubted God and He literally shouted at me.  In Wylie there's a wall that says "Who Do You Say I Am?" I thought it was cool, I come home and there's a brick wall on a route that I drive regularly colored with bright chalk that says "But who do you say that I am?", then a friend messaged me with a photo that said "But who do you say that I am?", at this point I began to realize that God was asking me a serious question and I honestly didn't have an answer.  Who do I say that He is?  Do I believe He's capable of miracles and accomplishing impossible things? I began to mull over this question and these verses, and I really didn't know what to do with them.

Fast forward a few weeks, still not knowing what to do with these verses and questions, I put in a prayer request at my home church.  I asked them to pray for direction for my life and that I would know where God wanted to me focus my time.  I got a card in the mail from them and on the front of the card was the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." I thought nothing of it until more verses about trust began to pop up regularly, and then when my friend posed those questions I mentioned earlier about trusting The Lord, I knew yet again, The Lord was asking me a question and He wanted a truthful answer.  So I truly believed in my heart that I trusted Him and that was my answer - Yes, Lord. I trust you. - He was quick to put my answer to the test and began convicting my heart, He continually led my focus to the upcoming Wylie DTS and laid yet another question on my heart -

"Will you go? Not with strings attached, not with one foot in the water, not with a shakey doubtful faith.  Will you go and surrender everything to me, your doubts, your fears, your anxiety, everything, and trust that I am God and I am powerful and I am in control? "

I've reluctantly said yes, and am working on surrendering everything to Him.  This is hard for me.  So hard and this post is very raw.  I hate being vulnerable and I didn't want to openly proclaim that I've chosen to trust God wholeheartedly and pursue Wylie's June DTS, because if I didn't tell anyone and no one knew, then when the fears, anxiety, and doubt became to much I could choose to not go and I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not pursing the road He has called me too. I could remain stagnant in my faith and choose to be comfortable and no one would know. But I'm choosing to be vulnerable because I need support and encouragement. I need accountability.  I need a village to walk with me and encourage me when I feel like giving up and staying comfortable.  I need to be pushed and stretched and reminded that He is so much bigger than my little box and He wants great magnificent things for me.  I need to be reminded that He is in control and that He loves me relentlessly.

If you've taken the time to read this entire post, I hope that I've been able to convey my heart in a way that makes sense.  I hope that everyone will be willing to show me an outpouring of love and grace as I tackle the hard things that God is asking me to pursue.  This isn't easy and while I'm excited I am also scared and overwhelmed.

I love you all.  You're the worlds biggest blessings and to have a group of Christ followers that is willing to rally around me and push me to grow in my relationship with The Lord is irreplaceable.

With love,
Alyssa