Whirlwind

It's been a long while since I've written anything.  I'm never sure what to write about as my life is not that exciting, but recently there's been a whirlwind of events that have broken my heart in more ways than one.  I really don't even know where to begin, but I guess anywhere is better than nowhere.

I made it to Texas.  I showed up to my campus, unpacked, met my fellow classmates (whom I fell in love with), went to the welcome dinner, slept, did the first full day of orientation classes, packed up my bags and came home.  Yes, I left that second night.  I made it through one day and I knew in my heart that, for whatever reason, that wasn't where God needed me. I'm still devastated. I don't understand one ounce of God's logic behind this and everything in me wanted to ignore His promptings and stay in Texas.  I didn't want to come home and everyday I wish I was in Wylie learning and preparing my heart for the outreach that is coming.

While I've received so many beautiful messages and words of support I know that many people wonder how I could make the decision to come home when I had only been there two days.  I cannot explain it, but when you know God is giving you direction it's best you listen.  Growing up my parents always reminded us of the story of Jonah.  Jonah was going to Ninevah, whether it be by land or in the belly of the whale...He was going to go where God called Him to go and obedience makes it easier. Sitting in Texas, in the humid morning heat, reading my Bible through tears, with this nagging in my heart, I knew I wasn't where God wanted me.  I faught it. That day I tried to ignore it, I tried to reason with myself, but I knew when I called my mom and told her how I was feeling that Texas wasn't in God's current plans for my life.  I knew, and I absolutely dreaded that I knew.

I'm at a loss, because I feel lost. I feel directionless, I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt and I've ended up back home in a town that I'm less than fond of.  I've been home a week and every morning, every afternoon, every night, I have questioned what God is doing because it can't possibly be beneficial for me. I cannot even fathom why He would send me somewhere, just to bring me home. It breaks my heart, honestly.  I've been hopefully anticipating this DTS for a year, the money for the first half came in over-abundance and I actually set foot on the campus I'd only dreamed of, why would He bring me home?

I have no answers. Some have suggested that maybe He needs to grow me in an area before He can send me out, others have said there has to be something here that I need to accomplish and that's why He brought me back.  I really don't know.

This isn't the update I was wishing to write.  I was hoping to write exciting new updates from my dorm bunk bed, while surrounded by new friendships that were waiting to bloom, giving you guys my excited and hopeful thoughts while relentlessly fighting off the anxiety I'd be feeling from being in a new place. But alas, I'm in Arizona, surrounded by familiarity and family, being taken off leave at work and placed back on the schedule, feeling heartbroken and lost.  I'm sorry, that this isn't as joyful as you'd all hoped. I want to be real with you all because you've supported me over the years on my many endeavors and have offered nothing but wisdom and encouragement. But I will gladly covet your prayers and words of encouragement over these next few months as I have no direction for what is next.

And as I have had to learn many other times in my life - if He takes, still I will praise.

With love,
Alyssa