Surrender

I don't know that I've ever felt more at peace about a decision, than I do when continually say yes to returning to Wylie.

I was thinking about it the other morning, when I came home from Texas I was dead set on not returning, and never pursuing another DTS.  I convinced myself that it just wasn't for me and chose to focus on and pursue things like the Mexico ministry.  I remember right after I came home I committed to participating in 2 separate Mexico trips down to Casa (the orphanage we work with), I also remember a few weeks later being in tears because neither of them worked out.  I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and it was eating at me.  There was also a point when I was absolutely sure that I was going to pursue nursing school.  I set out to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse, but literally walked into the community college, looked at the consultants office and walked right back out of the building.

I couldn't do it.  I couldn't pursue a college degree that didn't send my heart up in flames of passion, it just didn't feel right. I adore Mexico (with every inch of my tiny little heart), but God put road blocks in my way so that I couldn't pursue that either.  At the time I had absolutely no idea what He was doing, I was unhappy and angry with Him.  It didn't make sense to me why He would let me pursue and work towards something for almost a year, only to pry it from my hands as it was finally given to me.

Over the last several weeks I've come to see more and more that living a life of surrender means living life with our hands open and in a position of praise. God gives, but He also takes.  He knows what is good and what is better.  He knows when it's enough, and when we need more.  He knows when we're ready and when we still need time. See that was the thing...I needed time, my heart needed time, my mind needed time.  I wasn't ready for YWAM Wylie, God knew it was good...but He also knew that it would be better if He took it away and made me wait.  He gave me time, He gave me Himself and that was enough.  I learned and am still learning to live with open hands in a position of surrender.  He has continued to quiet my fears and clear my head of doubts, He has shown me that He has been eagerly pursuing me and that He wants me.  He has given me peace and spoken to my heart with a love song that has me swooning, He has romanced my broken heart back into relationship with Him and it is beautiful.

I am at peace with my decision to return to Wylie, because I know that God has so gently turned my gaze to Him so that I might choose the path that He has set out for my life.  I'm glad that He broke my heart and brought me home because otherwise I may have never seen Him.

With love,
Alyssa

Awaken

I arrived at YWAM Wylie we each had a "Welcome Basket" at the foot of our beds. In it were sweet little gifts, highlighters, notebooks, candy, and a hand written note from the staff. The note was filled with words of wisdom and encouragement that God had spoken to the staff about each student. My card spoke of the story of Deborah. The staff believed that God wanted to AWAKEN me as God had awakened Deborah. The first night in Wylie, I opened my Bible and read the story of Deborah. I was confused because I didn't see how it related to my life.

 The next day when I left Wylie, I took that note with me. I wanted to keep it because I thought that it was nice of the staff to pray over me and speak those words into my life, but I was so sure that God wouldn't AWAKEN me now that I was leaving Wylie. I figured that since I was no longer at my DTS that God wouldn't do the work He had set out to do.

Two weeks after I got home from Texas I found the note and again I opened my Bible and read the story of Deborah, not once but 4 times.  I still didn't see how it applied to me and I didn't believe that God would AWAKEN me. I put it in the front of my Bible where I keep sentimental things, and forgot about it.

Fast forward to the beginning of last week, I found it...again.  I sat down I opened my Bible and I read the story of Deborah again.  This time it made a little bit more sense, as I had recommitted to returning to Wylie, and had heard God speak to me multiple times.  I was learning to be a vessel and I was learning to be a "Yes!" girl like Deborah, as she went obediently with Barak to defeat an army. I started to see how I could relate to this story, but I still didn't see how God would AWAKEN me.

Last Wednesday I attended Connect group and shared my testimony (You can read about that here: Don't You See, I Love You), afterwards I got to sit with two lovely ladies and they spoke to my heart.  At one point a story was shared, and I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what it was, but I know that after hearing that story God said "Don't you see? I AM AWAKENING YOU."  I thought back to the note, I thought back to Deborah, and I realized...God doesn't need circumstances to work. He has no limits or boundaries, He is infinite and all powerful. He awakened my heart and He knew all along that I wouldn't be in Texas when He did.

I continue to come to realizations of His power and His glory, I am continually amazed.  God has become so much bigger these past 12 weeks and my heart can hardly contain the work He is doing. I always knew God was capable of grand things, never did I think that He would choose to preform such things in my life.  But now I see that when we are willing to be obedient vessels He will use us in ways that we never could've imagined.

Guys, God has AWAKENED my heart and I am EXCITED.

With love,
Alyssa

Don't You See, I Love You

I feel like I need to be continuously writing about the things God is doing in my life, I'm in absolute awe of what He is revealing.

Last night (12/7/2016) I was late to my connect group (Bible study through my church).  I haven't gone to Connect Group in months, but had been promising my second family that I would come this week.  I walked in late and while I missed most of the study I heard God almost immediately after sitting down.

We were going over the story of Mary and how God spoke through Gabriel saying that she would give birth to a baby boy and would name him Jesus. We talked about Mary hearing God and being obedient even though what He was asking her to do was 1) Impossible in her mind and 2) One of the toughest things to commit to, but she said "Behold, I am the servant of The Lord; let it be to me according to your word." Obedience. She chose obedience in a difficult situation. Which leads us to where I so clearly heard God speak to my heart.

Mr.Waterbury, who leads the study, posed the question "Have any of you ever heard from God or been given signs or confirmation that He was speaking to you?"  As he posed that question I so clearly heard "Be bold." over and over again.  I knew that God was asking me to step out of my shy withdrawn personality and be bold in sharing the work He is doing in my life.  I struggled for a moment, but reminded myself "This is where you surrender to Him." and when it came time Mrs.Waterbury (This family has so graciously accepted me as their adopted daughter.) turned and looked at me and with a smirk said "What about you? Has God spoken to you?" fully knowing what I had gone through these past 11 weeks, and so I began to share my testimony.

It was honestly the greatest privilege to me to be able to share that God is in fact working, actively working, in my life.  I've grown up in a strong Christian home, I've had an easy life and when I was 6 I got to choose to accept Christ as my savior because it's what I was raised in.  I've never had a testimony to share, I've never felt like I had anything worth while to say and honestly, up until recently...I have never clearly heard God speak to me.  I'm in awe of everything that He's doing and I just want to share it with everyone.  I can't even describe what He is doing in my heart but oh man, is it beautiful.

I shared my testimony and felt absolutely wonderful. I sat after group with Mrs.Waterbury and another wonderful woman, Melody, and they just listened to me share my heart and ministered to me.  They made me feel so loved and it was such a blessing to see other people excited for the things that God is doing in my life.

These 11 weeks I have gained an entirely new trust in God and I'm beginning to see Him in a brand new light.  He is bigger than I ever imagined and everyday I get to experience new sides of Him because He wrecked my heart, absolutely destroyed it, and said "Don't you see, I love you and I want you. I have so much to show you. Please, Love, just let me in. Let me work." He's actively pursing me and I'm actively learning to how lean into Him and let Him work.

I still can't get over the fact that He is actively pursuing my heart even when I push away and want nothing to do with Him.

He is relentless, and He is swooning my heart back into a deeper relationship with Him.

With love,
Alyssa

Outside Of My Box

I'm excited and I've grown.

I'm learning. I'm being stretched.

My joy has returned. I no longer feel stuck.

I have direction. I have a goal.

I have committed to return to Wylie, TX in June 2017 and I am thrilled.

But also terrified. Which is okay.  A few weeks ago I actually had a friend ask me two questions that she felt were not her own but from The Lord:

"Are you afraid that He is going to take you somewhere and bring you back home again?"

Yes.

"Do you trust Him?"

When she asked me this I actually hesitated.  The answer out of my mouth was "yes" but for a second I wrestled with my heart "Do I really trust Him? Wholeheartedly?".

Over the past 11 weeks since I returned from Texas so many heart struggles have been brought to light.  From God consistently pursuing my heart with the same question "Who do you say that I am? What do you believe I am capable of? Why do you put me in a box?  I am a limitless God I have such big plans for you. Let me work. Move out of your own way. You're missing out." to my best friend ministering to my heart all the way from Paris, France.  I feel like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, I think my heart has grown three sizes.  He has revealed that I do keep Him in a box, there are sides of Him that I've almost refused to experience and grow in because they aren't familiar to me.  I like to stick with what I know, and what's comfortable.  But I'm learning more and more that comfortable isn't exactly the way that God wants our lives to be orchestrated.

I would love it if God's first concern for me was to be comfortable, but we know that He has greater things in mind.  While typing this the story of Daniel and The Lions Den comes to mind.  Daniel chose to obey and follow God even when it wasn't convenient and most certainly not comfortable.  Can you imagine the faith and trust Daniel had to have to be in that den with beasts that could devour him in swift pounce? Having faith and trust in God doesn't promise that we wont be put in tough situations, it just promises that in those situations God will be there too.  Comfortable equals stunted growth.

I only wish that I could be as brave as Daniel.  When it comes to big decisions, such as choosing to return to Wylie, I am more relate able to the disciples during the storm on the sea (Matthew 8:23-27).  Winds were raging and waves were crashing against the the boat, they were being tossed in every direction and they woke Jesus saying "Lord save us! we're perishing".  They were terrified and by there words when they woke Him it shows that they doubted what He is capable of.  You'd think being on a boat with Jesus you'd feel nearly indestructible...cause ya know...He rose from the dead. But they doubt and I can see where we could ask if they truly trusted Him.  Jesus got up and said "Oh ye of little faith." and rebuked the winds. The storm ceased. Everything was calm.  Because He is in control. Big decisions cause me to have major anxiety and I overthink to the point of being paralyzed choosing to do nothing. Even now, 6 months away from the start of school in Wylie, I lay in bed at night panicked and overwhelmed with the thought of it all.  Yes, doubt is natural, it's human, it's the response I think most people would have. But I'm forced to stop, to breathe, and to remind myself that God who made the lions docile, who calmed the seas, who raised His son from the dead, is in control of my destiny and there is not a single thing that I can do that would remove His will from taking place in my life.

People have asked "Why would you go back if He called you home?"

Because, I feel that He called me home because He knew I wasn't ready to grow.  He knew I would fight it, He knew I would cling to my stubbornness, He knew that my life was stagnant and that He needed to wreck my heart before I would finally listen.  I was heartbroken when I came home, I was stuck, I was sad, I mourned the loss of my dream to go to Wylie's Fall DTS, I didn't understand.  I doubted God and He literally shouted at me.  In Wylie there's a wall that says "Who Do You Say I Am?" I thought it was cool, I come home and there's a brick wall on a route that I drive regularly colored with bright chalk that says "But who do you say that I am?", then a friend messaged me with a photo that said "But who do you say that I am?", at this point I began to realize that God was asking me a serious question and I honestly didn't have an answer.  Who do I say that He is?  Do I believe He's capable of miracles and accomplishing impossible things? I began to mull over this question and these verses, and I really didn't know what to do with them.

Fast forward a few weeks, still not knowing what to do with these verses and questions, I put in a prayer request at my home church.  I asked them to pray for direction for my life and that I would know where God wanted to me focus my time.  I got a card in the mail from them and on the front of the card was the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." I thought nothing of it until more verses about trust began to pop up regularly, and then when my friend posed those questions I mentioned earlier about trusting The Lord, I knew yet again, The Lord was asking me a question and He wanted a truthful answer.  So I truly believed in my heart that I trusted Him and that was my answer - Yes, Lord. I trust you. - He was quick to put my answer to the test and began convicting my heart, He continually led my focus to the upcoming Wylie DTS and laid yet another question on my heart -

"Will you go? Not with strings attached, not with one foot in the water, not with a shakey doubtful faith.  Will you go and surrender everything to me, your doubts, your fears, your anxiety, everything, and trust that I am God and I am powerful and I am in control? "

I've reluctantly said yes, and am working on surrendering everything to Him.  This is hard for me.  So hard and this post is very raw.  I hate being vulnerable and I didn't want to openly proclaim that I've chosen to trust God wholeheartedly and pursue Wylie's June DTS, because if I didn't tell anyone and no one knew, then when the fears, anxiety, and doubt became to much I could choose to not go and I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not pursing the road He has called me too. I could remain stagnant in my faith and choose to be comfortable and no one would know. But I'm choosing to be vulnerable because I need support and encouragement. I need accountability.  I need a village to walk with me and encourage me when I feel like giving up and staying comfortable.  I need to be pushed and stretched and reminded that He is so much bigger than my little box and He wants great magnificent things for me.  I need to be reminded that He is in control and that He loves me relentlessly.

If you've taken the time to read this entire post, I hope that I've been able to convey my heart in a way that makes sense.  I hope that everyone will be willing to show me an outpouring of love and grace as I tackle the hard things that God is asking me to pursue.  This isn't easy and while I'm excited I am also scared and overwhelmed.

I love you all.  You're the worlds biggest blessings and to have a group of Christ followers that is willing to rally around me and push me to grow in my relationship with The Lord is irreplaceable.

With love,
Alyssa