Choosing Joy

I am emotionally, psychically, and mentally drained.  I miss the kids in Mexico, I miss having close friends to vent to, I miss happiness coming easy.   I feel alone, or lost most of the time, I'm not to sure of what I'm supposed to do with myself.  I know God has a purpose for everything, I know life has it's ups and it's downs, and I know good WILL come out of this.  But though i know it, that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to believe it in my heart.

I was sitting in my room at my desk, listening to Barlowgirl, thinking back on how just 4 days ago I was sitting out front of an orphanage with Lupita in my lap, and Raphael, asking me if I like a boys, in his cute Hispanic accent.  Just 4 days ago, I was the happiest I have been in months, my heart content, and my arms full.  Trying to understand what they were saying (Seeing as I don't speak Spanish.) and giggling with them when I guessed wrong.  Playing games for hours on end.  Even just sitting on a porch cuddling with the kids, laughing and "Talking" with each other, was enough for me.  It went by to fast, and now I have 5 months until those kids will be in my arms again.  Until I get to be constantly hugged, and tugged on.  Five whole months. To you this may not seem like that big of a deal but when your heart has been touched by beautiful kids such as these ones 5 months seems like a life time.

Lupita and I

You see, these kids crave attention.  Anytime they can get a hug, or hold your hand they take that opportunity.  You always have a kid by your side.  Whether the kid is 5 years old, or 13 years old, they just want love, attention, to feel safe, wanted, secure.  I'm a very soft spoken person, so loving these kids is easy, I was in heaven just sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with one of the kids in my lap.  It was perfect, to stare off, and think how much of a privilege it is to love on these kids.  

For the past 6 months I have done nothing but be excited about getting to see the kids again, I have spent every waking moment thinking about Mexico, and how much I love it there.  It's been one of my main focus' and there wasn't a second the kids weren't on my mind.  But now that the trip has passed, and my heart is longing to hold these kids again, I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to focus on, my heart hurts.   i pray about it constantly, and I try not to dwell on the longing but it's hard.

I mean how do you not miss this?

(Left to Right)  Nancy, Me, Lupita & Juancho.

Close friends that I had I've lost, so I have no one to vent to that would understand where I'm coming from.  Which leads to the feeling alone, or lost.  I'm worn out, tired, exhausted, and just want to go back.  I sat down on my bed, and asked God "What now?  What's my mission? How do I deal with this?"  Want to know what He told me?  Choose Joy.  Don't force yourself to accept joy, because it's your "only choice" or because you have to... But choose it.  Choose to be happy, with what is here in your country.  Dwell on things that bring you joy.  Don't forget the pain and longing in my heart because it's a reminder of my love for these kids, but don't dwell on it.  Pray about it, praise God, and choose Joy.

So these next 5 months, I have accepted the challenge to choose joy, in the times when it does not come easy.  

God Bless,
Alyssa

The Better Punishment...

All day my heart has been convicted and mind has been racing.  A few months ago in May, the subject of Modesty was put on my heart, my eyes were opened to this situation, and the struggle young men have when a girl is dressed immodestly.  Now this isn't a post aimed at anyone, but if you feel it is then you might want to look at your heart.

In the beginning of the year (I think) my church did a sermon on saving your self for you future spouse.  One of the points made was that, cheating on your spouse before you know them is just like cheating on them after you know them.  I know in my heart that there is a man out there whom God has made specially for me, so why would I want to go giving myself away, to other men?  It doesn't really make sense.  I have never seen purpose in the whole "Dating-Game"  I don't see the point in dating multiple people only to go through 5 people and realize none of them were for you.  I would rather wait.

Dressing modestly has the same concept.  Why should I go around showing off everything I have to offer to other guys who mean nothing to me?  Not only is it un-needed but it is also a stumbling block to my brothers in Christ.  How can they look at me as their sister in Christ if they can't look at me without feeling tempted, or have their eyes drawn to the wrong places.  Luke 17: 1-4 says "And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

So why cause your brother in Christ to sin, by having lust full thoughts over something that should be saved for your future spouse?  It's pretty serious stuff when a better punishment would be having a millstone tied to your neck and be chucked into the ocean to drown.  

Modesty isn't just in the way we dress though.  It's also in the way we carry ourselves, the things we say and the way we act.  Dressing modestly is a good place to start, but it goes deeper then looks.  It takes examining of the heart to get to a place, to understand all the damage you do when you dress, act, and talk, immodestly.  I can see the damage but it takes a lot to understand it.  Men, are visually stimulated.  Even something as simple as seeing a bra strap, or a necklace that hangs down to far on your chest, seeing the smallest sections of your stomach, or the slightest part of your thighs to take their minds in every direction possible.  It's how their minds were wired, and it's a daily temptation that they have to fight.  So why make it harder on them?  If they are our brothers in Christ we should love them, and want the best.  So we should dress our best, modestly and have pure hearts.

I apologize if this post seems kind of scattered, it's filled with everything that has been on my mind today.   I would love to hear your thoughts and views on this subject!

God Bless,
Alyssa

Aching Heart.

Normally when I right these posts I can't help but fill them with all the anger I'm feeling, I almost demand people to save these kids, as if what God wants doesn't matter.  But truth is what God wants is what matters MOST.   Not how much I want you to save these kids or how much the next person wants you to save these kids.  But when God wants you to save these kids.   

You see those seven kids at the beginning of this post?  So sweet and innocent, beautiful, yet broken.  They died orphans, some of them had families coming for them, some of them were going to get the love that they deserved.  But the families coming for those four kids weren't able to get there fast enough, and their sweet babies passed away before they could save them.  The other 3 kids died this year, they had no families coming for them, they never knew love.   Margaret, Lynette, and Margaret were not chosen by anyone to have a family.  They were passed over time and time again.  They were forgotten by the world, as if they didn't matter.  The thing is....They DO matter.  They had advocates that loved them and wanted families for them, but there are hundreds of us advocates who aren't able to adopt, there is a small portion of us that are teenagers.  Doing the job of adults, who care to much about their own comfort to accept that this is a big issue that needs to be changed. 

Kids are dying every day because people are too consumed with first world problems to open their eyes to the fact that these kids are DYING.   This issues is not getting any better.  It's just getting worse.  You can't tell me you don't see it or that the issues will fix it's self.  Us teens?  Ya know the ones who are "to young to make change"  the ones who were continually told we can't, are doing SOMETHING to fix this issue! 

Do you see why I come across as angry and pushy when I write these kinds of posts?  Do you see the urgency yet?  I'm 16 years old and can see the urgency and would kill to save even just one child from the fate that quite frankly has already been decided for them!  Step up to the plate, and take action.  Don't let these kids die un noticed, un loved and un wanted.  Because there are SO many of us that would kill to save these kids but we can't.  So we need YOU too.   

Go to ReecesRainbow.com look through the kids, the ones who are on a timer, the ones that could end up on the "In Loving Memory" page.  Look into their eyes and think about all the reason you "can't" save them.  Their lives are worth it.  God calls us to care for the fatherless, but I honestly don't think we are doing a good job. 

Oh Life...

Life has been overly hectic lately, it's not exactly pleasant.  With Oliver being born, Addison's one year anniversary, Mexico trips, looking for jobs, helping out around the house, losing friends, and hoping that my teen years would pass by oh so quickly, and trying to refocus my life on God, I'm exhausted.

There is so much going on that sometimes I just want to sit and cry.  When you're little you always say "I can;t wait to grow up!"  and trust me when I was little and I said that I meant it.  But when I said it I didn't mean grow up to be 16, the wonderful years of drama!  I wanted to grow up to the age where I could finally be a mom, and right now I'm STILL wishing that.  I know drama never fully goes away, and I know that there will always be "hills to climb" in life, but I feel like when you become an adult they are different hills.  They don't include, worrying about boys, or who your "true" friends are.  They include things like caring for you family, and making God the center of your marriage, making sure your kids are being taught the teachings of Christ, and raising them respectfully.  To you that might sound like a hassle or some horrid thing you don't want to deal with, but at this point I would MUCH rather be at that point in my life then where I am now.

I guess you could say that I'm struggling with stuff in life and am having a hard time remembering that God has me at this point for a reason.   I'm not enjoying the world I live in because my views and the way I understand things are completely opposite, from the ways of the world.  Keeping my head held high, and resting in Gods arms when I just can't go on anymore.   Pray for me please.

Alyssa.