Choosing Joy

I am emotionally, psychically, and mentally drained.  I miss the kids in Mexico, I miss having close friends to vent to, I miss happiness coming easy.   I feel alone, or lost most of the time, I'm not to sure of what I'm supposed to do with myself.  I know God has a purpose for everything, I know life has it's ups and it's downs, and I know good WILL come out of this.  But though i know it, that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to believe it in my heart.

I was sitting in my room at my desk, listening to Barlowgirl, thinking back on how just 4 days ago I was sitting out front of an orphanage with Lupita in my lap, and Raphael, asking me if I like a boys, in his cute Hispanic accent.  Just 4 days ago, I was the happiest I have been in months, my heart content, and my arms full.  Trying to understand what they were saying (Seeing as I don't speak Spanish.) and giggling with them when I guessed wrong.  Playing games for hours on end.  Even just sitting on a porch cuddling with the kids, laughing and "Talking" with each other, was enough for me.  It went by to fast, and now I have 5 months until those kids will be in my arms again.  Until I get to be constantly hugged, and tugged on.  Five whole months. To you this may not seem like that big of a deal but when your heart has been touched by beautiful kids such as these ones 5 months seems like a life time.

Lupita and I

You see, these kids crave attention.  Anytime they can get a hug, or hold your hand they take that opportunity.  You always have a kid by your side.  Whether the kid is 5 years old, or 13 years old, they just want love, attention, to feel safe, wanted, secure.  I'm a very soft spoken person, so loving these kids is easy, I was in heaven just sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with one of the kids in my lap.  It was perfect, to stare off, and think how much of a privilege it is to love on these kids.  

For the past 6 months I have done nothing but be excited about getting to see the kids again, I have spent every waking moment thinking about Mexico, and how much I love it there.  It's been one of my main focus' and there wasn't a second the kids weren't on my mind.  But now that the trip has passed, and my heart is longing to hold these kids again, I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to focus on, my heart hurts.   i pray about it constantly, and I try not to dwell on the longing but it's hard.

I mean how do you not miss this?

(Left to Right)  Nancy, Me, Lupita & Juancho.

Close friends that I had I've lost, so I have no one to vent to that would understand where I'm coming from.  Which leads to the feeling alone, or lost.  I'm worn out, tired, exhausted, and just want to go back.  I sat down on my bed, and asked God "What now?  What's my mission? How do I deal with this?"  Want to know what He told me?  Choose Joy.  Don't force yourself to accept joy, because it's your "only choice" or because you have to... But choose it.  Choose to be happy, with what is here in your country.  Dwell on things that bring you joy.  Don't forget the pain and longing in my heart because it's a reminder of my love for these kids, but don't dwell on it.  Pray about it, praise God, and choose Joy.

So these next 5 months, I have accepted the challenge to choose joy, in the times when it does not come easy.  

God Bless,
Alyssa