Remembering Addison Ruth

It still remember it like it was yesterday, I remember the details, I remember reliving the same exact day for 2 months.  

3 years ago my dad came quietly into my room, with his hand on my shoulder he lightly shook me to wake me up, as I opened my eyes he said "Hey Lyssie, we think we lost the baby."  and I...I couldn't speak, or think and all I could manage to say was "no, no, no, no, no..." 

I remember getting out of bed in shock, still not knowing how to comprehend what I'd just been told.  I remember telling my mom I would go to the hospital with her for an ultrasound to be sure that we lost the baby.  I put on my light brown jacket, pulled my hair back, and we left.  The 5 minute drive to the hospital, seemed like an hour with the deafening silence that filled the truck.  We got their and they took us back, we waited in a room for the ultrasound tech, and I continued to pray over, and over, and over "Oh God, please breathe life back into this baby, please God please, I'll do anything, just please give me this." I can't even begin to count the amount of times that I prayed that prayer over the course of those three days.  

The ultrasound tech entered the room, smeared the ultrasound cream on her belly, and placed the wand on her stomach.  He looked, and looked, and looked, and he then began to type, "No Fetal Heartbeat" on the screen, and we lost it.  I couldn't breathe, no matter how hard I tried to gasp for air, my chest tightened, and the physical pain that took over my body was enough to paralyze.  I laid there by my moms feet, and just cried into the hospital bed, "why God, why, I don't understand, why.  this is all I've wanted, a little sister, and you took her from me, why God why" 

I remember our lovely midwife coming to the hospital to sit with my mom, while I went home to watch the kids so my dad could go to the hospital.  I remember walking through the maze of hallways leaving the Labor & Delivery Ward, I remember the walls spinning, and the tears falling. 

When I got home, the little ones were distracted by the video game, so I sat in our office and listened to praise and worship music, I prayed, and tried to hold in the tears for fear of upsetting the kids.  I remember a few of our friends coming over to play with the little ones, as it was too overwhelming for us to chase them.  I remember person, after person bringing food, and cards, and flowers, and offering to watch the little ones.  I remember wanting to be thankful for their kind generous hearts, and their willingness to lend a hand in this treacherous time, but I also remember wishing I could just be alone to cry, I didn't want to be hugged, or touched, I wanted to cry, and scream because I was so angry.  

I remember trying to reply to a text from my dad when the little ones began fighting, so I put down my phone and tried to figure out what the problem was, but in the moment of asking them to 'please stop fighting' I lost it, tears filled my eyes, and I had to leave the room I had no energy to deal with anything, and I didn't know how to help them cope with this big situation, in a way that they would understand.

I remember my dad texting me late that night to say "Addison is here, and she's cute too."  I remember collapsing into my brothers arms, and just crying, because this isn't how it was supposed to be, this isn't how I wanted it to be, and I had no control over anything.   

I remember going to the hospital the next day to see her, I remember holding her lifeless body, and just praying over, and over, that God would breathe life back into her, I begged, and pleaded with Him, please just let me have her.  I sat, and I cried, I looked at her sweet face, her full head of hair, as I cradled her in my arms and stroked her sweet face.  

I remember when it was time to go home, I remember laying Addison in a bassinet that had been all decorated in pinks, and purples, specially for her.  I remember the nurse letting us go out the back door of the hospital so that we didn't have to walk through the crowds of people.  I remember walking through the parking lot with an unbearable amount of pain in my chest because there was nothing in me that wanted to leave Addison there, and my heart broke knowing that I would never be able to hold her again. (And some days that all I want, just one more minute to cradle her, to remember what it felt like to hold her.) 

I remember later that week when we had her funeral.  I don't remember what the pastor said, I was far to emotionally exhausted, and this was never something I thought I would have to do. But I do remember wishing that people would stop hugging me, which sounds so selfish but if you've lost a loved one I'm sure you understand.  I was irritated, and upset, exhausted, and angry, I wanted to go and be alone, I wanted to sleep because that was the only time I didn't feel any pain. 

I remember reliving the same 3 days for months, I remember sinking into this never ending whole that consumed every part of me. 

I remember it all.  I haven't forgotten any of the details.  The pain is still very, very, present...but as time goes on you learn how to numb it.  The tears still fall, and some days it's still really unbearable.  But God is good, all the time. He knows, and I trust that His plans far exceed my own.  

I miss my little sister immensely, and I wonder what would have been, but I know God had different plans for her life, and I'm slowly becoming 'okay' with that. 

| But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more, and more.| 

Psalm 71:14

Charlie Roo's

Okay, so I am finally gearing up for Angel Tree.  Since I've signed up to be Charlie's warrior I have, opened a little shop called Charlie Roo's, created multiple necklaces, been to Hobby Lobby an unhealthy amount of times, burnt myself countless times with a hot glue gun, become obsessed with making hair bows, and spent too much time on Pinterest...which by the way Pinterest's App wasn't working this morning and I had a mini heart-attack.  After everything I've done this past week I think I am finally ready for Angel Tree to start!

I'm still so in love with little Roo, and am excited to share his face everywhere in hopes of finding his mama, and papa that he so deserves!  If you're reading this and are just as in love with Charlie as I am, and are wanting to know more about the adoption process please, oh please, email me! AlyssaGoodhue@hotmail.com I would be more than happy to answer any questions, and point you in the right direction. :)  

If you want you can also click through the link below and "Like" Charlie Roo's on Facebook!  It would mean so, so, much. Let's get this baby boy HOME. 

Charlie Roo's Facebook Page

Angel Tree, Angel Tree, ANGEL TREE!!!

Yes, it is that time again...Angel Tree time!!  I love, love, love this time of the year and was a little worried that I wouldn't know which child to choose.   In my confusion of not knowing which child was "my" child, I sat for a little bit and prayed, I told God to bless me with the little one that needed me most, and He did just that.  I was so eager to sign up, and be this little one's warrior that this morning, when I woke up and saw that the sign ups were open early, I nearly fell off my bed trying to grab my laptop... Yes, I am that excited, and READY for Angel Tree!  I've waited all day, eagerly checking my email to see if I was indeed this little ones warrior, the anticipation  was really making me go nuts, so you can only imagine the joy that filled my heart when I saw that I was officially Charlie's Angel Tree Warrior!!  I would love for you to meet "my" cutie:

Charlie's Reece's Rainbow Profile: http://reecesrainbow.org/81243/charlie-2

I am head over-heels, so in love, constantly swooning, over this baby boy, and am SO ecstatic to be his warrior this Christmas season!  Sweet Charlie will be 2 years old in December, he was born with Down syndrome, and is clearly adorable!  I am working on some fundraisers to kick off the Angel Tree project, there will be more blog posts about those fundraisers as they finish and become ready for the public eye. :) 

I really, really, hope that you will consider following my blog to be updated on fundraisers, Charlie's cuteness, and out progress during Angel Tree!  I love my followers, and I love it when I can make an impact in other lives, so please consider joining us this holiday season as Myself, and little Charlie raise $1000 towards the cost of his adoption (Because without Charlie's adorable face, I wouldn't raise any money.). 

Still I will Praise

Photo Cred: Pinterest

This hit me hard tonight. For one reason, in September it will have been three years since my little sister, Addison Ruth, passed away.  Three days before she would hopefully make her appearance in this world, God decided it was time for her to come home, she had already pleased God with her life of 9 months, and her time here was finished.  When we lost Addison we relived the same days for months, we sank into this never ending black whole, and oh the pain was, and some days still is torturous.  We clung to God, knowing that He is the only one that could carry us through such a time, that never seemed to end.

But you see we had a choice to make, and it was not an easy choice, would we choose to praise Him in that time?  Regardless of the fact that most days we didn't have the energy to get out of bed, we didn't want to see people, or deal with the bantering of the exhausted, confused, sad, little ones that still needed to be tended too, eating was out of the question, and well the tears they never stopped, regardless of our tiredness, sadness, anger, and exhaustion, would we choose to praise Him even when He takes away?

Did we want to?  Well I'll speak for myself and say that no, I didn't.  I was angry, furious even, I felt like God had teased me.  He gave me the little sister that I had asked for, for so long, and then had taken her from me, before I was able to truly enjoy her, I felt cheated.  I didn't sign up for this, why me, it wasn't fair.  So, why would I praise Him in that time, it was almost like I was trying to punish God.

As the days got worse, I knew in the back of my mind that turning away from God, and choosing not to worship Him, and not trusting that He is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty was only going to hurt me, and damage me even further than I was already.  So, I turned to God and I told Him I was angry with Him, that I didn't understand, and I was not okay with what was happening, but that I would praise Him anyways because He is the God who gives, and takes away all for a purpose and bigger picture that I cannot see.   I clung to Him for dear life, because I was sure that I would not make it through loosing Addison, I was sure that my heart would never heal, I was sure that there was "no purpose" for this, I was sure.

But here I am, three years later about to celebrate Addison's 9 months of life, and I can look back and see where praising God even when He takes away had benefited me.  Addion's 9 months of life, and God calling her home, have allowed me to share, and witness to other young women who have had a sibling be still born.  I have now been able to be a crutch, a listening ear, a soft heart, and open hand to families, and young women who have suffered the same loss as I have.  Addison's life, changed my life, and God used her to strengthen my walk, trust, and hope in Him.

Choosing to praise Him even when He takes away is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, but it is so worth it in the long run.

So now I have a question for you, will you choose to praise Him even when He takes away?