Her first birthday, we should be celebrating and having cake, but instead we will be mourning our loss yet again, slipping back into that same dark place that I never wanted to return to. This past week, all I want to do is sit and cry, it seems like the only logical thing. The emotions, they all came back, the confusion, anger, sadness, emptiness, wanting to sleep all the time because this pain is too much.
I should be putting Addison in dresses, pigtails, bows, doing photo shoots and loving on my little sister. But instead I'm horribly sadden by the fact that I was so close to having a little sister and she was taken from me. Like a child, being given candy, being so close to grabbing it and then it being pulled back and taken away. I still don't understand, I'm still angry, I know God is sovereign, I know he has a reason for everything, but it doesn't help the fact that all I have ever wanted in life is a little sister, ever since I could remember. Every time mom was pregnant I would pray "Please let it be a girl!" the one time it happens it's taken away. Why? I really wish I knew why, but I don't think I ever will. Needless to say I feel like I'm right back at square one. I've slipped right back and it hurts. A pain indescribable. I just want this girl back...
I never wanted to put her down...I just wish I could hold her once more.
Alyssa.
I can so relate. Having Oliver to love on and snuggle with eases the pain, but he's not Addie...he never could have been even if Addie had lived. You'll make memories and laugh and smile with him as he gets older, but it won't be the same. And it's okay that it's not going to be the same...that's not to say it won't be hard at times when you see him smile in a few months and your heart aches wondering how Addison's smile might have looked, or wondered if his eyes matched hers (one of my biggest questions regarding my own loss)...but the pain will become easier. The scar will always be there, reminding you and those perceptive enough around you to see the pain of your family's loss, but it will become easier.
ReplyDeleteI have five boys...and then lost a sixth son at 21 weeks in October 2010...so when I found out I was pregnant again just 8 weeks after delivering him, I was terrified, thrilled and spent a LOT of time in prayer...sometimes just asking "God, are You sure about this!?" When we found out this special child was a girl...I could finally ease up a bit on the nerves (not a lot, but a little!)...a girl! I was going to be blessed with a girl after three early miscarriages, five boys and a stillbirth son!? I spent the next four months in nervous anticipation, buying dresses in purples and pinks, tiny Mary Jane shoes, and fifty (yes 50!) headbands in 32 different colors! To say I was excited was the understatement of 2011.
When the Lord took her home at 40 weeks, 4 days on August 19th...my world stopped for a time. I didn't want to leave the hospital because that's where she was...even when I finally realized that, I still couldn't function at home...for two weeks I did little else but sleep and pump (for I couldn't bear the idea of not using Zuri's milk...and thankfully, the Lord arranged it so that a friend who had recently adopted had need of her breastmilk). I had an emergency c-section in an attempt to save her life and even though she didn't make it, I still had the recovery required from a c-section. All the pain and nothing to show for it. And you can't even talk about it with anyone because it makes them feel uncomfortable...they avert their eyes or cluck their tongue in pity and quickly change the subject because no one wants to talk about a dead baby...except those that have been forced to walk this path and truly understand what it means to have so many unfulfilled hopes and dreams shattered at once.
In July 2012 I found out we were expecting again. After spending the first 21 weeks of my daughter's pregnancy surrounded by fears of losing *her* after my recent loss of her older brother, I determined within myself not to waste time in fear with this pregnancy. All the worry in the world won't make a difference one way or the other...if I wake up today and my tiny babe has a heartbeat, then praise the Lord...if He chooses to take our little one Home, then I'll choose to praise Him for the 15 weeks I've been blessed to carry this child! I'll definitely shed tears to be sure and my heart will have yet another scar on it from breaking once again, if the Lord chooses that path for our family another time, but I simply want no regrets...no time lost to fear like I did with Zuriel.
People keep asking me, now that I'm showing more with this baby, So do you want a (or another - for those that know our history) girl? I've started telling them, you know what? There's going to be tears no matter what we discover this child's gender to be. If I'm right, and this is a precious little boy, I will sob great big tears of joy in seeing a living child on the ultrasound screen, growing safely within my womb again...but some tears will be shed for the dreams that won't be fulfilled yet again...for the four bags of girls clothes and accessories in the attic still waiting for the tags to be removed, still waiting for baby spit up stains to be deposited on them.... And should I be wrong, and this baby is a girl...the tears of joy for a living child will still be there, but fighting the fears of losing this baby will increase exponentially. So when I get the "What are you hoping for?" question...I simply answer, a living child in March.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that any of this made sense...but I guess all I wanted to say was, I understand. I hadn't seen any pictures of Addison before today...she was simply beautiful! Those darling lips and cheeks...and tiny wisps of dark hair! Thank you so much for sharing them... You and your whole family will be in my prayers especially on Wednesday...as you have been every month for the past year on the 26th. My phone goes off every 25th to begin praying for the Goodhue family...because I know sometimes the days leading up to "the day" can almost be worse than the actual day of loss. Hang in there...