1 Year...

On Wednesday, it will have been 1 year exactly since we lost Addison.  It marks the day that our lives were changed, I'm not sure whether it was for the good or not.   This past year at first was difficult at first, for two months I felt stuck in the same week.  Reliving the same day over, and over again.  The pain didn't leave for a long time.  Even now the pain is still here, it's just become easier to shove down inside and try to ignore it.  I don't think it will ever go away.   I've been dreading the 26th for months now, knowing how hard it's going to be.  

Her first birthday, we should be celebrating and having cake, but instead we will be mourning our loss yet again, slipping back into that same dark place that I never wanted to return to.  This past week, all I want to do is sit and cry, it seems like the only logical thing.   The emotions, they all came back, the confusion, anger, sadness, emptiness, wanting to sleep all the time because this pain is too much.   

I should be putting Addison in dresses, pigtails, bows, doing photo shoots and loving on my little sister.  But instead I'm horribly sadden by the fact that I was so close to having a little sister and she was taken from me.      Like a child, being given candy, being so close to grabbing it and then it being pulled back and taken away.   I still don't understand, I'm still angry,  I know God is sovereign, I know he has a reason for everything, but it doesn't help the fact that all I have ever wanted in life is a little sister, ever since I could remember.  Every time mom was pregnant I would pray "Please let it be a girl!"  the one time it happens it's taken away.  Why?  I really wish I knew why, but I don't think I ever will.    Needless to say I feel like I'm right back at square one.  I've slipped right back and it hurts.  A pain indescribable.    I just want this girl back...

I never wanted to put her down...I just wish I could hold her once more. 

   

Alyssa.

Actions Not Words

As most of you guys know I am more then completely in love with the country Mexico.  In March of this year I got the opportunity to go down to Hermosillo, Mexico for a week with my Youth group.  We did construction work at the orphanage which is called Casa Esperanza Para Ninos which translated is "Home Of Hope For Kids"  we got up at 5:45am, got dressed, ate breakfast, did devotionals, & were off to do construction by 6:30am,  we worked till noon came back to the hotel, showered & off to VBS we went after VBS we went back to the orphanage to worship with all of the kids!  Best week of my life, never once did I complain when we got up at 5:45.  When getting up that early the only thing on your mind was how you were going to go bless someone!  Best feeling in the world!  Oh and VBS (Vacation Bible School)  was probably one of my most favorite parts!  Although the language barrier made it slightly hard to communicate, it also taught all of us a wonderful lesson.  Instead of using our words to show how much we loved and cared about them,  we had to use actions.  Which I found awesome!   The kids were so easy to love on,  they had such an innocence about them.  They loved so easily even though to them we sounded funny!  They inspired me, & I am now in the process of learning Spanish so that I can communicate with the kids & care takers! :)  

So here's the thing, the end of October I am planning to back down to Mexico, on a shorter trip.  I will only be gone for 3 or 4 days.  The cost is $120, I have $60 saved and am in need of $60 more.  I don't have a job (But I do have an interview for a nanning job on Thursday!) so I really have no way of getting the rest of the money I need.   So I'm wondering if anyone would help me get to Mexico in October?  I know most of you are adopting & I know how expensive that is, so if you could even just pray that God gives me the money I need it would be appreciated.   

I will leave you with a photo of just 3 of the 30 kiddos that stole my heart in March.  (From Left to Right) Juan Carlos, Kimberly, Lupita :) 

There is a Chip-In button on the right hand side of the blog where you can donate if you feel led.  Thank you in advanced.  I'm so thankful for you guys :) 

Alyssa