Transparency

I haven't written in weeks, mainly because I can't find words to write.  In the past month I've made big decisions and have also faced some challenges that I have yet to overcome.  Life isn't all daisies and sunshine, though I really wish it was.

I am no longer attending the fall DTS with YWAM.  Yes, again.  After much searching, I've slowly found myself and realized that many things I thought that I wanted...aren't actually what I want.  Full time missions being one of those things. I'm seeing that I don't have the personality or drive to be a full time missionary, I think it's a blessing for me to realize that now, instead of when I'm in the middle of a 6 month long missions trip.  I'm not fully sure what's next for me, though I've put some options on the table.

This past month I've also been struggling with where exactly I stand in my relationship with Christ, which is strange for me to question because I've always been so grounded in what I believe. It's so difficult when you feel like God isn't listening, or responding, it gets discouraging.  I've begun to wonder what exactly the point is, if I have to make choices on my own anyways.  While I know that this is something I will overcome and work through, it has still been so draining.  I have always been one to be transparent with you all, as you have supported me in the many endeavors that I have grasped and ran with, I feel as though I owe it to you all.   While I'm sure that I will get negative comments, I hope that you all will accept this with grace.  Life is hard and messy, relationships with the Lord are hard and messy, because we are human.  We fall short, we make mistakes, we mess up, and it's okay.  Because as it turns out... The Lord loves me regardless of all of that, in fact He openly embraces me even when I push away.

Right now, I'm just coasting. Not running, not walking, just being where I am and taking what comes, because that is honestly all my worn out heart can endure at the moment.  I've started a new job with no real goals, my relationship with the Lord is lacking, and I'm tired, weary, exhausted...aany of the above would suit my current state.  I'm in a rough season of life and I don't know what comes next. Thankfully, none of this is a surprise to The Lord, He knew these things before they came about and He knows what's next.  So while I sit and question Him, exhausted and worn out, I would greatly covet your prayers and encouragement.

With love,
Alyssa