Lean In - Let Go

Photo Cred: Kaysie Lynne Photography


God has been so faithful.  I am a worrier, and often I get so consumed in it that I talk myself out of many opportunities. Something that I had worried about greatly was the money for school.  I remember the better part of the year before I left for Texas, I was consumed by worry. "What if the money doesn't come?" "What if I can't go to my DTS?" "What if God doesn't provide?"  No matter what anyone told me, I worried.  All day. All night. I lost sleep, I was sick to my stomach, I second guessed whether I should go to the DTS. I was consumed and I didn't wholeheartedly believe that God could and would provide.

An overwhelming peace has swept over me these past few weeks, I no longer worry about the money and it's an odd feeling for me.  While in the past, I liked to think I trusted God with every worry and doubt, I now see that I didn't.  I didn't really trust Him with anything.  I let my fears and doubts consume me to the point of paralyzation, I had truly convinced myself that there wasn't a point in fundraising because the money wasn't going to come anyways.  I lacked faith and trust in God and how powerful He is.

I've been learning that God doesn't need  me to do anything, He is perfectly capable of accomplishing anything and everything without my help or input. Since learning what it means to live out my faith and place my trust in God, peace has been a very present part of my life.  I have no worries or doubts about the funds, He has already shown Himself faithful in providing money thus far. He has continued to reiterate that He is only asking me to be willing and He will do the rest.

He is big and mighty, He needs no help accomplishing amazing things. This I am slowly realizing.  Trust Him. Lean in. Let go. Pray. Have faith.  He knows. He hears. He sees.  He's got this, and that should be more than enough for me.  As I mention in almost every post, He is moving in my life and I am still amazed with it all.  God is so good.

With love,
Alyssa

Surrender

I don't know that I've ever felt more at peace about a decision, than I do when continually say yes to returning to Wylie.

I was thinking about it the other morning, when I came home from Texas I was dead set on not returning, and never pursuing another DTS.  I convinced myself that it just wasn't for me and chose to focus on and pursue things like the Mexico ministry.  I remember right after I came home I committed to participating in 2 separate Mexico trips down to Casa (the orphanage we work with), I also remember a few weeks later being in tears because neither of them worked out.  I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and it was eating at me.  There was also a point when I was absolutely sure that I was going to pursue nursing school.  I set out to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse, but literally walked into the community college, looked at the consultants office and walked right back out of the building.

I couldn't do it.  I couldn't pursue a college degree that didn't send my heart up in flames of passion, it just didn't feel right. I adore Mexico (with every inch of my tiny little heart), but God put road blocks in my way so that I couldn't pursue that either.  At the time I had absolutely no idea what He was doing, I was unhappy and angry with Him.  It didn't make sense to me why He would let me pursue and work towards something for almost a year, only to pry it from my hands as it was finally given to me.

Over the last several weeks I've come to see more and more that living a life of surrender means living life with our hands open and in a position of praise. God gives, but He also takes.  He knows what is good and what is better.  He knows when it's enough, and when we need more.  He knows when we're ready and when we still need time. See that was the thing...I needed time, my heart needed time, my mind needed time.  I wasn't ready for YWAM Wylie, God knew it was good...but He also knew that it would be better if He took it away and made me wait.  He gave me time, He gave me Himself and that was enough.  I learned and am still learning to live with open hands in a position of surrender.  He has continued to quiet my fears and clear my head of doubts, He has shown me that He has been eagerly pursuing me and that He wants me.  He has given me peace and spoken to my heart with a love song that has me swooning, He has romanced my broken heart back into relationship with Him and it is beautiful.

I am at peace with my decision to return to Wylie, because I know that God has so gently turned my gaze to Him so that I might choose the path that He has set out for my life.  I'm glad that He broke my heart and brought me home because otherwise I may have never seen Him.

With love,
Alyssa

Awaken

I arrived at YWAM Wylie we each had a "Welcome Basket" at the foot of our beds. In it were sweet little gifts, highlighters, notebooks, candy, and a hand written note from the staff. The note was filled with words of wisdom and encouragement that God had spoken to the staff about each student. My card spoke of the story of Deborah. The staff believed that God wanted to AWAKEN me as God had awakened Deborah. The first night in Wylie, I opened my Bible and read the story of Deborah. I was confused because I didn't see how it related to my life.

 The next day when I left Wylie, I took that note with me. I wanted to keep it because I thought that it was nice of the staff to pray over me and speak those words into my life, but I was so sure that God wouldn't AWAKEN me now that I was leaving Wylie. I figured that since I was no longer at my DTS that God wouldn't do the work He had set out to do.

Two weeks after I got home from Texas I found the note and again I opened my Bible and read the story of Deborah, not once but 4 times.  I still didn't see how it applied to me and I didn't believe that God would AWAKEN me. I put it in the front of my Bible where I keep sentimental things, and forgot about it.

Fast forward to the beginning of last week, I found it...again.  I sat down I opened my Bible and I read the story of Deborah again.  This time it made a little bit more sense, as I had recommitted to returning to Wylie, and had heard God speak to me multiple times.  I was learning to be a vessel and I was learning to be a "Yes!" girl like Deborah, as she went obediently with Barak to defeat an army. I started to see how I could relate to this story, but I still didn't see how God would AWAKEN me.

Last Wednesday I attended Connect group and shared my testimony (You can read about that here: Don't You See, I Love You), afterwards I got to sit with two lovely ladies and they spoke to my heart.  At one point a story was shared, and I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what it was, but I know that after hearing that story God said "Don't you see? I AM AWAKENING YOU."  I thought back to the note, I thought back to Deborah, and I realized...God doesn't need circumstances to work. He has no limits or boundaries, He is infinite and all powerful. He awakened my heart and He knew all along that I wouldn't be in Texas when He did.

I continue to come to realizations of His power and His glory, I am continually amazed.  God has become so much bigger these past 12 weeks and my heart can hardly contain the work He is doing. I always knew God was capable of grand things, never did I think that He would choose to preform such things in my life.  But now I see that when we are willing to be obedient vessels He will use us in ways that we never could've imagined.

Guys, God has AWAKENED my heart and I am EXCITED.

With love,
Alyssa

Don't You See, I Love You

I feel like I need to be continuously writing about the things God is doing in my life, I'm in absolute awe of what He is revealing.

Last night (12/7/2016) I was late to my connect group (Bible study through my church).  I haven't gone to Connect Group in months, but had been promising my second family that I would come this week.  I walked in late and while I missed most of the study I heard God almost immediately after sitting down.

We were going over the story of Mary and how God spoke through Gabriel saying that she would give birth to a baby boy and would name him Jesus. We talked about Mary hearing God and being obedient even though what He was asking her to do was 1) Impossible in her mind and 2) One of the toughest things to commit to, but she said "Behold, I am the servant of The Lord; let it be to me according to your word." Obedience. She chose obedience in a difficult situation. Which leads us to where I so clearly heard God speak to my heart.

Mr.Waterbury, who leads the study, posed the question "Have any of you ever heard from God or been given signs or confirmation that He was speaking to you?"  As he posed that question I so clearly heard "Be bold." over and over again.  I knew that God was asking me to step out of my shy withdrawn personality and be bold in sharing the work He is doing in my life.  I struggled for a moment, but reminded myself "This is where you surrender to Him." and when it came time Mrs.Waterbury (This family has so graciously accepted me as their adopted daughter.) turned and looked at me and with a smirk said "What about you? Has God spoken to you?" fully knowing what I had gone through these past 11 weeks, and so I began to share my testimony.

It was honestly the greatest privilege to me to be able to share that God is in fact working, actively working, in my life.  I've grown up in a strong Christian home, I've had an easy life and when I was 6 I got to choose to accept Christ as my savior because it's what I was raised in.  I've never had a testimony to share, I've never felt like I had anything worth while to say and honestly, up until recently...I have never clearly heard God speak to me.  I'm in awe of everything that He's doing and I just want to share it with everyone.  I can't even describe what He is doing in my heart but oh man, is it beautiful.

I shared my testimony and felt absolutely wonderful. I sat after group with Mrs.Waterbury and another wonderful woman, Melody, and they just listened to me share my heart and ministered to me.  They made me feel so loved and it was such a blessing to see other people excited for the things that God is doing in my life.

These 11 weeks I have gained an entirely new trust in God and I'm beginning to see Him in a brand new light.  He is bigger than I ever imagined and everyday I get to experience new sides of Him because He wrecked my heart, absolutely destroyed it, and said "Don't you see, I love you and I want you. I have so much to show you. Please, Love, just let me in. Let me work." He's actively pursing me and I'm actively learning to how lean into Him and let Him work.

I still can't get over the fact that He is actively pursuing my heart even when I push away and want nothing to do with Him.

He is relentless, and He is swooning my heart back into a deeper relationship with Him.

With love,
Alyssa