The Valley

It's been a hot minute since I've written a post. I haven't felt like I've had much to say as I've been in a valley with my walk with Christ. As you all know I'm a big fan of transparency, I think that it helps others feel not so alone to know that we all go through rough patches.

Lately, I've been wrestling with where exactly I stand in my relationship with Christ and what exactly that relationship should look like.  The beginning of the year I hit this place where I wondered what the point  was if I had to make decisions on my own anyways, without truly knowing if it is indeed where God wanted me, why change things in my life if it didn't actually matter.  But since hitting that rough place, or valley as some may call it, I have had the time to reflect and answer big questions to figure out exactly where I stand and what my  relationship with Christ should look like.

I think that it is so absolutely important to not get caught up in the good deeds and good life choices, while it is vital that our lives resemble Christ I think far too many times we get caught up in acts/deeds.  Our choices should reflect Christ, that without a doubt is so true, but I think it's also important to remember that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to be worthy of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us when He died on the cross.  There is no action or lifestyle that can make us "good enough", which is why God's grace and wholeness is here...to make us enough.  In Romans it talks about how we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, we all have mistakes, brokenness, discontentment, discouragement, failures, whatever it may look like...we all have it in some form.

But after much soul searching, question asking, soaking in answers and insight, I've come to realize that there is no specific image for my walk with Christ.  Our walks with Christ all look completely different, as we're all in different seasons and God has different paths for each of us.  We have to decide how our relationship with Christ should look, by reading the Bible and seeking Him He will reveal Himself to each of us and convict us how He sees fit. There are core values and principals, but God convicts each of us differently and it's up to each of us to pursue the Lord and follow the convictions He sends our way.

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Trying to find my place is something else that I have fought with. I have always had a goal or path that I was pursuing and for the first time in my life, I had no direction.  I was lost and discouraged. But lately, again after much seeking, praying, question asking, and soaking in answers and insight, I have learned something:

"The good news about Christ is that you don't always have to be doing something for Him. Sometimes He just wants to sit with you and hold your hand. He understands it when we're too weary to run full-out after Him." - E

My dear friend spoke directly to my heart. God gets it when we're just too weary, when we want to just be content working a part time job, soaking in family time, just being quiet. He gets it and He is okay with it.  Sometimes that is the only thing that He asks of us, is to be quiet, to rest, to let Him work.  To be here now.

I have decided that I am praying contentment over my life, I'm praying that even though God may not be asking me to pursue big things that I can still be content in the everyday, day to day life that He has so graciously blessed me with.  I wish to be like Paul, to take my current life setting and be joyful in every moment, whether it's what I want my life to look like or not.  I am only here to serve as Christ served and that may mean serving at my job while I make pizza for four hours.  Whatever it may be, wherever it may be, Lord make my heart content in a constant state of surrender and praise, following your lead and releasing according to your convictions.

Transparency

I haven't written in weeks, mainly because I can't find words to write.  In the past month I've made big decisions and have also faced some challenges that I have yet to overcome.  Life isn't all daisies and sunshine, though I really wish it was.

I am no longer attending the fall DTS with YWAM.  Yes, again.  After much searching, I've slowly found myself and realized that many things I thought that I wanted...aren't actually what I want.  Full time missions being one of those things. I'm seeing that I don't have the personality or drive to be a full time missionary, I think it's a blessing for me to realize that now, instead of when I'm in the middle of a 6 month long missions trip.  I'm not fully sure what's next for me, though I've put some options on the table.

This past month I've also been struggling with where exactly I stand in my relationship with Christ, which is strange for me to question because I've always been so grounded in what I believe. It's so difficult when you feel like God isn't listening, or responding, it gets discouraging.  I've begun to wonder what exactly the point is, if I have to make choices on my own anyways.  While I know that this is something I will overcome and work through, it has still been so draining.  I have always been one to be transparent with you all, as you have supported me in the many endeavors that I have grasped and ran with, I feel as though I owe it to you all.   While I'm sure that I will get negative comments, I hope that you all will accept this with grace.  Life is hard and messy, relationships with the Lord are hard and messy, because we are human.  We fall short, we make mistakes, we mess up, and it's okay.  Because as it turns out... The Lord loves me regardless of all of that, in fact He openly embraces me even when I push away.

Right now, I'm just coasting. Not running, not walking, just being where I am and taking what comes, because that is honestly all my worn out heart can endure at the moment.  I've started a new job with no real goals, my relationship with the Lord is lacking, and I'm tired, weary, exhausted...aany of the above would suit my current state.  I'm in a rough season of life and I don't know what comes next. Thankfully, none of this is a surprise to The Lord, He knew these things before they came about and He knows what's next.  So while I sit and question Him, exhausted and worn out, I would greatly covet your prayers and encouragement.

With love,
Alyssa

Extended Grace

I don't know why I am so discouraged and worried, but the date of my DTS has been "pushed back" to start in September instead of June. The staff in Wylie has prayed and feels that a Fall DTS will be better for everyone, I'm so grateful that they're making decisions that they feel will be the absolute best.

Though at first I felt like it was just another road block, I'm beginning to think that it's an answer to a prayer. My last night in Mexico I was having trouble sleeping. Tossing and turning all night, laying awake in the very early hours of the morning, stressing about my job situation...or lack thereof. In the midst of my worrying, I stopped myself and chose to pray. I prayed for peace and a solution for my job situation. (For those of you who didn't know, I am no longer a nanny. The family found a better fit for their life dynamic.)

 Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, I received a message from Kayla letting me know that there would no longer be a DTS in June, but instead in September. At first, my heart was in my stomach and I was discouraged, but God slowly reminded me of my prayer the night before and it felt like He was extending me grace. I now had five months to work and save/raise more money for school, instead of three. While it originally felt like a set back, now it feels more like a blessing.

 One of my initial worries was that I would lose support because yet again, something was changing. But Kayla reminded me to trust in God's plan, and my dad reminded me of Proverbs 16:9 || The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. || If it is God's will for me to attend this DTS, no set backs, no hurdles, no date change will prevent His plans from becoming whole and complete. 

What a journey this has been and will be.

Crazy Good

Leader. Prepared.

Two words that I would never in a million years use to describe myself or my life.  I am the most unprepared, shy, reserved, follower, that you'll ever meet.  Until recently I would have never done anything that required me to step outside of my comfort zone and be the "center of attention".  I never speak my mind, I rarely stand up for myself, I don't typically join in group conversation, I keep to myself and have never been interested in being a leader, nor do I think I would be a good leader.

I knew God brought me home from Texas because my heart wasn't in a position of surrender, I wasn't willing to let Him work in and through me because I am a naturally stubborn person and I wasn't about to give that up.  So when I'm told that God says he has prepared me and that He has plans for me to be a leader, I'm in absolute disbelief.

This past Wednesday I went to lift group again for the first time in weeks, the topic was Identity and finding ourselves in Christ.  It spoke to me as that is something that has been on my heart lately, I've always been one to struggle with identity and worth, continually "finding" it in the wrong places.  God has placed a sense of overwhelming worth and purpose in my heart these past few weeks and I almost can't grasp it.  It came time for prayer requests and the room filled with voices and requests, we prayed and as the prayers quieted Caitlin's dad spoke and asked to cover Caitlin and I in prayers.  He explained Caitlin's outreach in Cambodia, and how I would soon be leaving in June.

The first thought in my head when he made the request to pray over us, was one of undeserving.  I thought I don't deserve prayers, I came home, I didn't stay, this second shot doesn't deserve this. But as he came to an end with his explanation, Melody asked if they could lay hands on me, and if she could anoint me with oil. Of course, I accepted and sat at their feet.  I've never been anointed with oil before, but they explained the significance and began to pray for me. My head, hands, and feet were anointed with oil, and God spoke through these leaders directly to my heart.  God wants to use me in grand ways, and he assured Melody that I was prepared.  Which is humorous to me because I feel like the most unprepared person, especially when it comes to my DTS.  I'm stressed and worried about so many of the details, but God laughs and says "No, honey.  You're prepared."  God says He wants to build me into a leader, but I have trouble speaking out and being bold.  I would say I'm excited, but in all honestly I'm a little nervous of what He is going to bring me to and through to get me to the place I need to be.

I don't have the slightest clue how any of this is going to play out, but what I do know is that I love seeing God work in my life.  He has been continually faithful, I trust that His plans for me are plenty and grand.

Because God is crazy good.

With Love,
Alyssa