Oh Life...

Life has been overly hectic lately, it's not exactly pleasant.  With Oliver being born, Addison's one year anniversary, Mexico trips, looking for jobs, helping out around the house, losing friends, and hoping that my teen years would pass by oh so quickly, and trying to refocus my life on God, I'm exhausted.

There is so much going on that sometimes I just want to sit and cry.  When you're little you always say "I can;t wait to grow up!"  and trust me when I was little and I said that I meant it.  But when I said it I didn't mean grow up to be 16, the wonderful years of drama!  I wanted to grow up to the age where I could finally be a mom, and right now I'm STILL wishing that.  I know drama never fully goes away, and I know that there will always be "hills to climb" in life, but I feel like when you become an adult they are different hills.  They don't include, worrying about boys, or who your "true" friends are.  They include things like caring for you family, and making God the center of your marriage, making sure your kids are being taught the teachings of Christ, and raising them respectfully.  To you that might sound like a hassle or some horrid thing you don't want to deal with, but at this point I would MUCH rather be at that point in my life then where I am now.

I guess you could say that I'm struggling with stuff in life and am having a hard time remembering that God has me at this point for a reason.   I'm not enjoying the world I live in because my views and the way I understand things are completely opposite, from the ways of the world.  Keeping my head held high, and resting in Gods arms when I just can't go on anymore.   Pray for me please.

Alyssa.

1 Year...

On Wednesday, it will have been 1 year exactly since we lost Addison.  It marks the day that our lives were changed, I'm not sure whether it was for the good or not.   This past year at first was difficult at first, for two months I felt stuck in the same week.  Reliving the same day over, and over again.  The pain didn't leave for a long time.  Even now the pain is still here, it's just become easier to shove down inside and try to ignore it.  I don't think it will ever go away.   I've been dreading the 26th for months now, knowing how hard it's going to be.  

Her first birthday, we should be celebrating and having cake, but instead we will be mourning our loss yet again, slipping back into that same dark place that I never wanted to return to.  This past week, all I want to do is sit and cry, it seems like the only logical thing.   The emotions, they all came back, the confusion, anger, sadness, emptiness, wanting to sleep all the time because this pain is too much.   

I should be putting Addison in dresses, pigtails, bows, doing photo shoots and loving on my little sister.  But instead I'm horribly sadden by the fact that I was so close to having a little sister and she was taken from me.      Like a child, being given candy, being so close to grabbing it and then it being pulled back and taken away.   I still don't understand, I'm still angry,  I know God is sovereign, I know he has a reason for everything, but it doesn't help the fact that all I have ever wanted in life is a little sister, ever since I could remember.  Every time mom was pregnant I would pray "Please let it be a girl!"  the one time it happens it's taken away.  Why?  I really wish I knew why, but I don't think I ever will.    Needless to say I feel like I'm right back at square one.  I've slipped right back and it hurts.  A pain indescribable.    I just want this girl back...

I never wanted to put her down...I just wish I could hold her once more. 

   

Alyssa.

Actions Not Words

As most of you guys know I am more then completely in love with the country Mexico.  In March of this year I got the opportunity to go down to Hermosillo, Mexico for a week with my Youth group.  We did construction work at the orphanage which is called Casa Esperanza Para Ninos which translated is "Home Of Hope For Kids"  we got up at 5:45am, got dressed, ate breakfast, did devotionals, & were off to do construction by 6:30am,  we worked till noon came back to the hotel, showered & off to VBS we went after VBS we went back to the orphanage to worship with all of the kids!  Best week of my life, never once did I complain when we got up at 5:45.  When getting up that early the only thing on your mind was how you were going to go bless someone!  Best feeling in the world!  Oh and VBS (Vacation Bible School)  was probably one of my most favorite parts!  Although the language barrier made it slightly hard to communicate, it also taught all of us a wonderful lesson.  Instead of using our words to show how much we loved and cared about them,  we had to use actions.  Which I found awesome!   The kids were so easy to love on,  they had such an innocence about them.  They loved so easily even though to them we sounded funny!  They inspired me, & I am now in the process of learning Spanish so that I can communicate with the kids & care takers! :)  

So here's the thing, the end of October I am planning to back down to Mexico, on a shorter trip.  I will only be gone for 3 or 4 days.  The cost is $120, I have $60 saved and am in need of $60 more.  I don't have a job (But I do have an interview for a nanning job on Thursday!) so I really have no way of getting the rest of the money I need.   So I'm wondering if anyone would help me get to Mexico in October?  I know most of you are adopting & I know how expensive that is, so if you could even just pray that God gives me the money I need it would be appreciated.   

I will leave you with a photo of just 3 of the 30 kiddos that stole my heart in March.  (From Left to Right) Juan Carlos, Kimberly, Lupita :) 

There is a Chip-In button on the right hand side of the blog where you can donate if you feel led.  Thank you in advanced.  I'm so thankful for you guys :) 

Alyssa

New Life

In 5 days Oliver Benjamin Goodhue will be born.  As you can imagine I'm way beyond the point of excited.   Loosing Addison, was hard and I knew the only way we would become more at peace with it would be by welcoming another little Goodhue into this world.  This whole pregnancy has been hectic, exhausting for my mom, and what seems like nothing but problems.   But I'm convinced that this is God way of saying "Hey, you down there,  I've got this.  Let me take control and ease your minds."   It hasn't been easy to let my mind be at ease, and my mind has been racing this whole time...Up until now.  You would think that these last few days would be nerve racking and I would be falling apart, but I'm actually at peace.  I have full faith in God,  He will bring my new sibling into this world safely.    I'm more then ready to have a newborn to cuddle with.  My arms have ached this whole 9 months, to hold my new brother.

I'm anxious to see what Oliver is going to look like. I wonder if he will have a full head of hair or not so much . :)   So much that I'm ready to know!  Don't you worry there WILL be a blog post with TONS of pictures. My mom is being induced on Tuesday, so I will be at the hospital with her from 5 am till she comes home after she has baby.    There will be pictures of the labor process, & then after baby is delivered so keep checking back if you want to see those!  For now here are some photos of his lovey animal & his Ultra sound pictures!  Enjoy :)